Self Evisceration
Sitting on the floor of the room, the only sounds present are a SOAD CD playing in the background, and my own sobbing. 'How did it come to this,' I wonder. 'Yesterday I was fine, then my world came crashing down around me' I lamented. The words echoing in my mind ominously as I tried to recall  the things leading up to this final act.

Reaching over, I pick up the computer keyboard and place it in my lap. Determined to record what happens this night. 'Perhaps then they will understand,' I muse.

I went in to work this morning, not suspecting anything was wrong. In fact, I was in a pretty good mood for once. Looking up at the building though, I noticed there was an owl looking down at me. It was kind of creepy the way it stared directly into my eyes, as if it could see into my very soul. I got a brief shiver and continued walking inside, wondering what an owl was doing in the city this time of the morning.

I took the elevator up to my floor. Walked down to my office, turned on the computer, and grabbed my cup to go get some water from the cooler.

When I returned, I noticed that I wasn't able to access my e-mail. The next thing I know, the boss calls me into her ofice and tells me that I'm being let go. There is no more funding for the project. She says that I have to leave by noon at the latest to make room for a new temp worker. what a bunch of crap!

Walking from the building with a box of my belongings, I pause and glance up to where I had seen the owl earlier that morning, but it wasn't there. I go to my car to find that the window was broken and things were strewn about. Luckily I don't keep anything valuable in the car. After making a police report, I drive home, wondering what I'm going to do for a job. This day was going down the tubes real quick.

I start looking through the job listings online when I suddenly get an instant message. It's my girlfriend. Why is she talking to me here instead of calling? I ask her and after a lot of humming and hawing, she finally tells me that she has found someone else. She didn't even have the nerve to tell me face-to-face!

I loved her with all my heart. She told me it was going to be forever. Yesterday she even talked about us going on vacation together. Now this. What am I going to do? My world is crumbling around me. There is a thump at the window. I look up to see that the owl has found me. It stares with unblinking eyes that seem to burn deep into me.  Was it the owl, or my mind that whispered "hope is lost?" The voice was so clear. I have heard voices before trying to tell me what to do, taunting me, mocking me, teasing me, but usually the medications keep them silent. For some reason the hollow whispers have returned, and with them a feeling of dread covers me like a blanket.

I started getting nervous, emotions were racing around inside me to the point where I didn't know what to feel. Everything was crumbling. One thing after another was cascading down onto me, crushing me. My mind was a blur. Nothing seemed real except the one thought: "You aren't worh being here." Those words hit hard, over, and over, and over. None of my friends were willing to help. My girlfriend abandons me. My job is gone. Everything is going wrong. The pressures keep building. The computer makes a noise and I glance at it to see that there is an e-mail. It's from my girlfriend. It reads in part:

...and yes I know that I told you before that I loved you, but I think nnow you need to know that it was all a lie. I have never loved you. I just needed someone with a place that I could hang out with until I met my dream guy. I used you because it was so easy to. you are way too trusting. Now that I'm pregnant with my lover's child, it's time for me to say adeu. Don't try to contact me. You and I never really had anything together anyway.

Now I am completely losing my sanity! I gave her everything! I was always faithful and supportive. To be forced to realize that it was all a ruse just ripped my heart out. I knew right then what I had to do. The pain was too great. The pressures were too much to bear. Every little thing had been piling up over the years and I have become buried beneath its weight. The voices in my head were now becoming soothing, and strangely began to make sense.

"You aren't worthy. You are nothing. No one wants you. You must cease to be a burden."

I knew what had to be done. There was only one way to stop the pain. I had come so close to making this decision numerous times before, but never could quite make myself do it. All through my life I have been abused and ridiculed. I had been forced to endure all manner of humiliation not only from my parents, but from coworkers, supposed friends, and other people around me as well. The pain never seemed to end, but most times was at least bearable. Other times I prayed to find a way to end my torment. I would move from city to city trying to hide from the pain and leave it behind, but somehow it always caught up to me again. This time it's different. This time the voices reassure and sooth rather than chide and mock. This time the owl beckons. The end is near. I have become too damaged to go on. No one cares. It is so easy now. It all makes perfect sense. I gather the tools for my sweet release.

I'm sitting on the floor, crossed legged, the computer's keyboard near my side to record my last thoughts. An X-acto knife and a hot soldering iron in front of me. My favorite CD playing in the background. Taking off my shirt and tossing it aside, I contemplate what is about to happen. I take several pain pills and wash them down with a beer. Just enough to do the job, but not so many as to hinder my progress. I close my eyes and meditate one last time, waiting for the effects of the pain killer to come.

I remembered what my biology professor once said; "people can live a long time with major injuries as long as they don't bleed to death." I take the knife in one hand and the hot iron in the other. I begin to make a cut from just below my sternum down to way below my navel. I burn the area of the incision with the hot iron as I go so that I don't bleed out too soon. This must be done correctly for it to have any meaning.

The smell is awful, but surprisingly it doesn't hurt much. The owl continues to watch this grisly spectacal as I slice through layer after layer of flesh and muscle.


(continued...)
Continue To Part Two